cb-Newsjack

My Newsjack Rejections: Series 11 Episode 1

Depressingly – but actually not as I’m being quite positive about it this time around – I was unable to get any of the following into last night’s Newsjack on BBC Radio 4Extra.

It was, nevertheless, an enjoyable show, with only a couple of clunkers. Did I think my material was good enough? Do you? Read on below to find out what I thought…

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icherwalk

I See Her Walking, 18 Years On

Back in the day, I wrote a song. This song, to be precise. It was inspired by the sight of a local lass walking past my parents’ house in Redcar, and fuelled by some lust, cigarettes and a general indecision about what I wanted to do in life, I put a few words together, sang them over a chord combination I’d been working on, and it just happened.

Literally minutes later I had an entire song written down, ready to play to anyone who would listen. I suspect I even sat on the doorstep and played it when I spotted said young lady trotting up the road. This was in 1996, when my entire life was about playing guitar, listening to music and writing as much as I could (and getting pissed, trying to get laid and playing too much Civilization).

Some weeks later, the song was recorded, in style, with my old mate Mr Sloan providing vocals and mixing. And a bloody good job of it all he did too. As I recall, the final version was particularly well produced. Unfortunately, we didn’t manage to ever really spend as much time as I would have liked recording stuff, and I don’t think I have a copy of the mix I liked most.

Never mind.

A few years later (2004, it says in the metadata), with much less guitaring to my name (busy with 9-5, other forms of writing) I fell in love with the song all over again. I may have made this recording for some sort of talent competition; I’m not sure. What is certain is that I don’t think I can sing quite as well as this anymore (yeh, I’m that bad now!)

(Image by PrayItNo)

In the Year 2525…

So, what I may not have mentioned in the past is that I’ve been submitting jokes to anywhere that will have them for a few years now, sadly with next to zero success.

(Although they made me laugh, and I’m quite discerning.)

While Newsjack isn’t an option at present, the BBC Writersroom has announced that the new radio show 2525 – a sort of futuristic Little Britain, with Matt Lucas involved – is accepting sketches from non-commissioned writers. The idea is that the show is set 500 years in the future in a world populated with various sci-fi style characters

So I might just give that a go. I’ve already got a few ideas on the boil, although it should be noted that sketch submissions are limited to 5 per writer/team.

Nicky Campbell and Pol Pot

Not so long ago I had an exchange on Twitter with Nicky Campbell, he of Radio 1 fame (back in the day before he was tainted by Watchdog, Five Live and The Big Questions) about the occasionally dull Cbeebies show, My Story.

As you will see, I’m quite capable of toadying up to celebs…

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Interview with Mayor Barry Meat

(Inspired by the insane story of Meat Loaf looking for a property in Hartlepool a few years ago…)

PRESENTER: Once in a while, it is a duty that we all have to make contact with the political side of life. All around us, New Labour, Conservatives, Liberals and Independents discuss the future and current running of our grand country. To join Europe or not? To raise taxes, to lower interest rates?
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Mayor of my home town, Mr Barry Meat. Hello Barry!

BARRY MEAT: Ey up son.

P: So Mr Mayor

BM: Oh, call me Barry, please.

P: Barry – you were, and are still best known for your career as a rock star. How can you justify a move into politics? Continue reading

The Following Came To Mind…

George W Bush’s expected trip to Switzerland was not in fact called off due to human rights protests over Guantanamo Bay as previously thought; in fact he’s said to be enjoying himself thoroughly in Swaziland.

If humans and apes share 97% DNA, does that mean we’re only 3% superior?

Could the increase in potato crisp sales prompted by the economic downturn lead to more jobs on potato farms? Or just a nation who has no idea what smokey bacon is supposed to taste like?

George Osbourne is appealing to members of the public to help with the March 23rd budget using a government website “crowdsourcing” initiative. Sadly none of the public suggestions made so far are polite (or hygienic) enough to be used.

Peaches Geldoff confirmed that there is absolutely nothing strange whatsoever at all about Scientologists when she expressed her opinion in Company magazine that Ed and David Miliband are both “fit” and “suave”.

Domain Squatting Gypsies!

And not before time, I’m back.

Once again I’ve had my home on the web overtaken by domain-squatting cybernerds, the type you’d regularly see playing “tigs on high ground” before the invention of the Internet. These sociopaths seem to have taken to sending random hack attacks in the direction of this site, which my more techy assistants (the kid next door whose best friend is a PS3) tells me will probably easy off over time.

But enough of this, I’m well and truly back. Continue reading

The Riding Officer

Back in 2010 I entered a script into The Sitcom Trials, with the finals taking place at The Lass O’Gowrie in Manchester. This was my first complete (well, ten minutes of it) comedy script and was performed on the night. Sadly it didn’t win, but I learned a great deal from it.

Based on the barely-known job of the Riding Officers of the North Yorkshire coast in the 18th century, the script reads and sounds a bit like Blackadder. I don’t quite think that can be helped, and while the script didn’t win, it raised a few laughs.

So that’s a nice consolation. Here is an audio of the performance:

Here is the Music Player. You need to installl flash player to show this cool thing!

Hope it gives you a chuckle…

You can also read the first chunk of the script below. Continue reading